Went to watch the YOG combined rehearsal on Friday, and all i could say is that i don't feel respected as an audience.
Yes, the ushers were really friendly and nice, and that's the only thing that was worth complimenting.

1. The videos and all to be shown on the big screen were not even ready yet. The show ain't completed or even ready. Like maybe, only 70%? I know that it's only a rehearsal, that we can't expect it to be perfect. But look at the NDP rehearsal. They're soooooooooooo completed (maybe not but at least they are ready to show the audience what they have) and feel like the real NDP. Look at the YOG CR. It's poles apart.
2. Some of the musicians / participants aint there at all. Like hello? You let the audiences in to see empty chairs on stage, and let them scratch their heads thinking what's all those chairs are for? Totally, seriously, extremely unrespectful can.
3. The message that was broadcasted to us to 'Please have the integrity to not leak any videos or photos taking at today's CR', made it sounded as if we, the audience, do not have any integrity at all. Do you remember how your Discipline Master remind you of your behaviour? That's how it made me feel. Can't you phrase it in a nicer way?

I heard that yesterday's CR is about crowd control.
But come on. If you decide to let public in to watch the rehearsal, at least have the mind to make it as close to the real one as possible and be mindful of what you're presenting to us, showing the basic respect to the audience; not some half-completed show.
If the show isn't ready yet, why not just use your own participants to act as crowd instead?

I believe that there's ample time for preparation.. Like when was it that we know Singapore's going to host the first YOG??

Many of us were really disappointed by the show, and many people went home when the show was half-way through, shaking their heads saying how disappointed they were.

Maybe the real thing is going to be awesome.
But the impression given to us, the public, is really bad.
I believe, many of us are worried about what we are presenting to the world.

NDP is a local celebration and it's wow.
YOG is a world event but.. =.=''

Seriously, i don't understand why.

PS:
I do have the integrity to not leak any videos and photos.
Everything here is just comments and thoughts.
Please have the integrity to respect human rights by not restricting my freedom of speech.

lol.

Birds of a feather flock together.
You refuses to return me my money that you've borrowed to pay your fines, buy your phone, etc.
Your friend was being reported to the police for running away with money of business owners by organizing bogus events.

How true can that quote be?

You know what.
I have this tendency to linger in the past because it felt so damn comforting and good, and because it's something that I wanna cherish so much but i din't really do so back then; my regrets.
It got me confused.
Do i really really feel so strong about it, the passion and love, or am i just trying to salvage whatever i can?

I bet i'll never ever find out what the answer is, simply because it is impossible for me to get in touch with it anymore.
Not the thing itself, but the feeling.
I can never ever reconnect it, picking up from where I've dropped.

It's not only about music.
It's about every single thing.

Life still goes on.

-

Be strong, my friend.
Everything will be fine.

I
miss
the
stage,
so
much.

I'm feeling better now.
<3

Time flies, baby.
Don't you think so?

The feeling is back.
The feeling that haunted me after I've decided to end everything once and for all is back.
Do you know how it feels?
Like after many many many turns, you're back at where you begin.

兜了那么多圈，还是回到了原点。

It makes me wonder.
Why bother to make sooooo many turns?
I don't know.
I'm feeling so lonely once again.
There's only me, and my bear bear (which if you remember the period when i bought it. It is exactly the same damn feeling. As if I'm cursed with it.), and ya, ben ben.

Only if you've known me way earlier.
And know exactly what I've been through.
Then maybe, you won't think that Im too harsh on myself.
Well, maybe you'll still think so.
Maybe, indeed i am being harsh on myself, putting on the stress upon myself and all, i kind of admit it, but i don't know.. Maybe you'll understand me better.
I'm not that strong afterall.
Not as strong as who you think i am.

You're right in saying that I've changed you to be who you are now, and that I ain't useless.
But my point is, how useful can i be, and how great can i be, when I can't even feel some comfort or good in my own life?
I'm not saying that you're wrong. Neither am i saying that I am right.
Just.. how i feel.

I know I'm being emo, moody, and depressed, thinking way too much in your opinion.
I just want to express my feelings, to someone who will listen, and gives me a comforting assurance that everything will be fine.
But there's this strong voice in my head, telling me not to say too much.
Cuz I don't want you to feel miserable because you can't really do anything about it.
Cuz I don't want you to think that I'm just another depressing emo freak.
Cuz I don't want to scare you off, thinking that it's too much for you to handle.
There's this fear in me, that you'll choose to escape again.

There's this part of me that still hope that I can be strong and handle it myself without bothering anyone with anything.

I ain't useless. 'Useless' is not the word to use.
But I can't find an exact one.

Well well.
I'm a coward i guess.
I'm afraid to step out.
I'm afraid to expose myself to the risk of falling again.
And yes, I have a feeling that I am slowing retreating to what i used to be.
Will you, hold on to me and make sure that I won't return to the state when you just knew me?

Pull me.
Out.

With force.
With love.

I can't afford to lose anything, anymore.

I hate to be always the one giving in.

WHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHYWHY.

Why it's always me that have to give in?
Like WHY!??!!

I'm not going to give in to anyone anymore!
If you're at wrong, you are wrong.
Don't expect me to give me!

And people who i once called friends,
don't always expect people to contact you and ask you out.
If you're not going to put in the effort to contact anyone,
neither will i be the one giving in and contact you!

I'm not being childish or petty over this issue.
Just sick of giving in.

Finally, end of examinations also marked the end of my diploma studies.
Time for me to face the reality, which i really loathe to do so.

Wanted to 'celebrate' this meaningful day with my boy initially, but he's not free.
So i spent the day alone, treated myself to window shopping and HappyVeg.
Like damn delicious, although it's freaking sinful.
Wanted to get mixed fruit cake too.
But I don't feeling like spending the money.
What to do. When you're freaking poor, every single cent counts.

Gonna take a few days to pack my room and sort things out.
Im feeling excited about the future, but a part of me is afraid at the same time.
Shall take a step at a time i guess.
After I've sorted myself out, Im going to work super hard to achieve my goals.
Don't wanna waste my time anymore as I've wasted 3 years of my life achieving a broken dream and ended up with a devastating life. Like fuck. Everything just goes wrong. Not forgetting wasting it on an ass who do not worth the time and effort. Guess I'm really blind and stupid and retard back then.
That's like, an understatement.

Whatever it is, I'm still going to get my money back.

Time to have a good rest, and chase my headache away.
Good night people.
Nice day.

How am i suppose to rely on you, when you choose to escape whenever you feel helpless?
Especially when it's related to me?

And you dint realise, that whatever you insist, will only add on to my stress if i force myself to do it just to make you feel better.

Maybe I'm too greedy to want to spend more time with you.
And too inconsiderate to show you the pain and discomfort I'm feeling.
Should leave you out of it and suffer alone instead of making you feel helpless because you can't do anything.

Whatever.
I'm just, feeling so alone.
Like at the end of the day, it's still me besides me.
Me and myself.
And nobody else.

Yea. I should learn to cope with things myself.

Have updated my wishlist.
I wanna buy a decent Sun Tze Art of War book.
Those hard cover kind that i can keep.
And I promise that I gonna read it!

Monday's last day of exam, and it is causing me to have mixed feelings.
Happy, glad, excited, scared, uncertain, etc etc etc.
I'm happy and glad cuz i will be completing my diploma studies at MIS after that final paper.
Excited because of the future, and what's ahead for me.
Scared because of the future too.

I don't wanna face anything that requires me to bring up my depressing past.
I don't wanna explain to people why i quit poly, at stupid year 3.
I don't want people to ask me why, and i don't want them to look at me as if I'm a failure cuz to many, it's plain stupidity to quit at the last year.
People may not say it, but they show it.
The way they look at you with sympathy, being worried about your future, thinking that you can't survive on your own with your own decision-making.
I know i gotta be strong and face it. But things are always easier said than done.

Boy, i know you will be there for me. But I'm seriously trembling at the thought of it.
Can you imagine how afraid i am?
It may seem to be nothing that impactful to you. Well, there's many others who quit in year 3 too. Why can they cope and i can't?
The thing is, it's not just about quitting.
It's every single thing that happened at that period of time.
My world simply crumbled down.
Failures, unreasonable-demanding-selfish-abusive r/s, 'nice-supporting' family, etc.
They all added up to something huge that almost killed me.
It's so bad that i went into hiding.
I even thought of running away, if i can.

I know i have the tendency to escape.
Cuz facing it upfront will only cause serious damages.
Don't you agree?

One more paper to go and I'm feeling damn fucking stressed.
=(

I wanna eat super nice fruit cake.
oh my oh my.
I wanna eat sushi!!!
oh my oh my.

I want a nice holiday.
oh my oh my...

One paper down, two more to go.

Guess Im really bad at taking stress.
Seriously bad headache today and i almost fainted twice while taking the train to school.
Ended up wasting money on cab.

I can feel my health deteriorating day by day.

Sigh.